Who am I?
Why do I want you to read what I write?
What do you get out of it?
Who?
I am Anne, I’m 46 years old, I’m single, I live in NYC and I make my living as a software developer.
And you – and I mean You – not some airy concept of ‘reader’ – You. Wait, take a second to feel what you is. Do that now. Done? Okay thanks, now understand that I’m talking to YOU. You give me form, and substance. You breath life into what is otherwise a meaningless plume of vapor. You are, therefore I am.
What the Hell is in this blog – and why do I care?
My experiments in happiness. See the thing is, I’m not satisfied. I’m happy a lot. And I’m sad a lot. And sometimes I’m just bored. Or excited. But i’m definitely not satisfied. Now, I realize that eternal satisfaction is not something we really want to shoot for. But I believe I’m in a phase of my life (SOME people would call it a midlife crisis, but who’s labeling?) where I feel I am ready to figure out what creates an Anne Fulfilled. I also know there have been times in my life where I felt more, well….contented and happy. I know what it feels like. And now feels like a life in flux. Like something is changing – and it’s up to me to come out of it a butterfly. And I believe you are a necessary part of the mix. You are an integral part of my journey. I want to be an integral part of yours.
So I’m posting my experiments. They range from my utterly subjective, possibly emotional, but always highly intelligent opinions of a book on midlife crises I’m reading, to how it feels to go to a brunch and NOT drink a mimosa, to going on a date with a guy I wouldn’t normally go on a date with, to what happened when I took another blogger’s advice on what to do by myself on valentine’s day, to what happened in the dog run this morning and also my experiments with buying VERY EXPENSIVE stockings.
How I got to the here and now:
I’ve always been a pretty happy person. And I’ve always been worried about whether I’m fulfilling my potential, whether I”m doing enough. Whether I’m being brave enough, disciplined enough, making the most of what I got, Making the most of what’s been offered me. This feeling has served me well in many ways. I live in the most exciting city in the world and I can afford to blow fourteen bucks on a cocktail with only a small wince. Okay a medium wince. And as they say – If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere. But you made it here, so why would you want to make it anywhere else? Ok, I tacked on that second bit, but you get the idea – what more could I want?
What indeed? Something tells me you won’t be surprised dear reader, something tells me you’ll understand – when I say I still worry about whether I”m brave enough, working hard enough, making the most of what I’ve got, and what’s been offered to me. What’s interesting is that 3 years ago that seemed fine and like it was all part of ‘growing up’.
But….. SOMETHING HAS CHANGED. The paradigm has shifted. Perhaps for some people, feeling like a walking, talking, living cliche (ahem, can somebody say midlife crisis?) is off-putting. But it makes me feel kind of warm and fuzzy. To me it says – this is normal – it’s all part of growing up — except of course, that what has changed is the feeling that I AM grown up. And the problem with being grown up is whatever is supposed to happen when you grow up – has happened. Dear reader, do you see what I’m getting at? Do you understand what this means? Shall I spell it out?!!
It means, that if prince charming were going to ride up and throw me on his saddle bow, he would have been here by now. It means that here I am with no little Anne’s running around calling me Mommy. Or Mom, because if I’d had kids at the age my mother had me, they’d be in their twenties. (Yikes!) What else? The exciting career that took much work and bravery to achieve? I have it. And instead of looking forward to its providing a lifetime of personal growth and fulfillment, I’m thinking “Okay, great! Um…I think I’m done. What’s next?” Then there’s the lifetime dream – writing a novel. Well I wrote a solid outline. No excuses left. But I don’t feel like writing it right now dammit. In spite of being All Grown Up.
And now when I’m in my apartment working on some personal project, and I am suddenly assailed with the desire to tell my lover about some funny thing I saw yesterday, or a fascinating bit I read in a book this morning, I can no longer punt on the feeling that eventually that lover will appear – when I’m All Grown Up. That cushion of youth has eroded. (to mix some metaphors) I am no longer protected from the grinding consciousness that life is now. I can no longer dream of the future, because I am living Now. And perhaps you know, dear reader – Now is a very mixed bag.
What has gelled in the last year or so — what is giving hope to a woman who is not satisfied with the now, is that there is something in the now that always feels right, that always feels good. Something that is always satisfying. And that’s human connection. (yes this is where you come in). We all have different talents and tastes – and that gives form to how we connect with and make each other happy. Right now, I believe my talents and tastes are leading me to sharing my journey through the now – my experiments in happiness. This is not merely to feel heard. Because then it’s just me again – a plume of warmth and vapor. I want to have an impact on you. Your Now. The kind of impact that makes you feel warm and fuzzy and connected. Also, I like to try things – so then you can read about what I tried and benefit from my triumphs and disasters. And maybe you can give me the benefit of yours.
So dear reader. Be generous. Give form to this plume of warmth and vapor. And I will in turn, try to give form to yours.